Experimental Log of the Crazy Lich - The Elves and the City of Platinum

Underground City Velkastance, in the language of the goblins, it meant ‘City of Platinum’. It had a very unique geographical location, being in the middle of quite a few active volcanoes. It was a city amongst volcanoes and the river of lava that flowed tirelessly cut the city off from the surrounding land.

To enter the pavilion in the sky, one had to go through the spiral staircase at the city below and the moment they met invaders, they only had to block these spiral stairs or simply drown them with water or poisonous gas. Though then they would basically be cut off from the rest of the world.

At the back of this city, between the walls of rocks, there was actually an opening that lead to the surface, allowing the city to dominate the business between the surface and the underground world and even more so, providing it with an escape route in times of danger.

In the underground world, safety was a something regarded as more important than any other incentives. Very quickly, after it drew in numerous merchants to permanently reside in the city, it became a city with business from near and far. Other than the goblins who insisted on using the original name, other races normally referred to it as Vance City.

Vance City’s outstanding geographical location made it an ideal fortress, turning it into a true golden city of the underground world, earning the goblins who founded and built it up a great deal… Of course, in the underground city, not possessing power to protect your treasures and fortune could also be considered a sin.

Unfortunately the wall behind its back was unable to protect it from daggers coming from the back and the breath of flying dragons. After a series of schemes and crafty calculations, the pioneer batch of goblins who had created this city had already disappeared and currently, this place remained without a City Lord, making it a neutral city without a lord.

The reason? The factions within the city were too complicated. There were influences from every underground lord within the city so whoever became the city lord could very possibly be assassinated the very next day, Thus, this formed an eerie situation of not having any lords.

“Leave this as a public passage to the surface and a location to trade with other cities, a neutral zone for diplomacy”, the Underground Lords and Underground Autarchs who had tasted the sweetness had formed such a consens on that issue.

This was also the main reason why Vance City was used for negotiating in the Underground Alliance. After all, if you negotiated on the grounds of the Dark Elves, the Gray Dwarves and Beastmen would be displeased. If you negotiated on the Beastmen territory, the Elves, Dwarves and Humans wouldn’t be able to accept it. If you tried to strike the deal in the Dragon City, everyone would have to grow a pair of wings first and if you did it in the goblin territory, which was highly business-focused, due to the expensive fees for entering the city and for lodgings, everyone would end unpleased.

The lord-less Vance unsurprisingly became the only possible choice.

One week ago, there had been an astonishing entrance to the city. The news of 17 gigantic metal Titans and the Eternal Night Scepter they were protecting had already spread across the entire underground city and Sulfur Mountain City’s young City Lord Annie had started to garner some fame.

Right now, cloaked in my long robe and a mantle, I started wandering around this city which was quite similar to Sulfur Mountain City.

When I say that Vance City was similar to Sulfur Mountain City, I meant that it was a city with diverse races, without nobility, a well-known prosperous trading city… but in my eyes, there were the exact same points on where they differed.

Other than the Undead, who very few people could accept having as neighbors, most of the Sulfur Mountain City’s different races lived next to each other. A small shop, a patrolling team, a barber, it was possible that their members were all of different races and also, the mindset that all races were equal had already been ingrained in Sulfur Mountain City so slavery and such wasn’t an acceptable act.

Yet in this city, the slave trade was quite lucrative and in fact, there were even markets and coliseums specially for slaves. There might be many different races living here, but the districts they lived in were demarcated very clearly. The boundaries of each race were clear and their infighting had never stopped in the shadows. For example, the two Wolf Rider Humans who just got dragged into the Beastmen District would probably never return.

“… This should be the Elf District… only they would be so free.”

The Elves were publicly known to be the number 1 race from an aesthetic point of view. Their pursuit for beauty and art was boundless. The exiled Dark Elves were no different and if you think this only applied to infrastructures, sculptures and paintings, you were underestimating them a great deal.

In front of me at the top of the rock cliff, a gigantic stone had been carved into a vivid image of an elegant lady. That seeming to reject yet welcoming expression, the lips that were slightly curved up and the sexy figure which her two hands were unable to cover tended to make one think about some unspeakable things.

“Uncle Bones, look at this sword. It is sooo pretty!!”

Since it was a private visit, then naturally, I wouldn’t bring too many people along. Behind me, also wearing a mantle, was the envoy team’s leader in name, Annie, and my external conscience Elisa.

In this instant, Annie was waving around a thin mithril sword. The sword’s body was long and slim like a needle. There was golden-colored rose carved on it. On the handle depicted were two Fallen Angels beside each other. Their wings were spread apart, as though roaring towards the heavens.

Yet, the glowing green blade indicated that it wasn’t just a piece of decoration but a lethal weapon that had been enchanted with poison. At least, the dark-skinned Dark Elf merchant was currently trying to convince the young city lord on this point.

Art Piece: The Sword of Fallen Angels

Attack Power: 0-5 (+1 Poison Damage) Tier: Superior

Special Ability: None. Oh, no, she still has a special ability. At least, it could show off that you are rich and silly enough to buy this luxurious but unpractical toy. Perhaps, if you dance with it in the sun, you might still be able to blind your enemy’s eyes with it.

Weakness: Fragile. When clashing arms with Superior-tier weapons, there is a 70% chance it will instantly break. Eich above! This dumbass Elf, for the sake of beauty, actually carved the sword empty!?

This was a classic Elf artwork, elegant design, exquisite carving, expensive material, perfect workmanship and then… useless! Battle? Did you really intend to bring an art piece to the battlefield? Or did you wish your grave to be carved to indicate that you were an artist? Better go and purchase from the bulky Dwarves.

In this instant, facing the Annie who was using her strength to wave the sword, on the verge of buying it, I was a bit speechless. What did it take to get the system to acknowledge that you were an Art Piece? What did it take to get the system to acknowledge that you were a piece of trash? The goods of the Elves were as good as always for making people speechless.

The pursuit of art and beauty was something perfectly normal, but to do it to such an extent?! Using the precious enchanted metal mithril to make the body of the sword, but yet overdoing the carvings, resulting in the blade being weaker than normal weapons, wasn’t this ignoring the initial purpose of weapons?

Using the same materials to make a weapon, Elf blacksmiths were always able to make it look so elegant and beautiful but by overdoing the adornments, they traded off the practicality of the weapon for beauty, resulting in them always making some stuff that would leave people speechless. For example, the Elf Thin Sword here or the more infamous Elf Chainmail.

That toy was famous for its compatibility with Mages. Normally, metals would have a hugely negative effect for spell-casting. Even War Mages who often went to the front line would tend to wear a Mage Robe rather than Metal Chainmail which had a more outstanding defensive ability. So, the Elf Mages invented a new Elf Chainmail called the ‘Song of Harmony’, known to be as comfortable for a Mage as wearing a normal robe which wouldn’t affect spell-casting.

Granted, it was an accomplishment, that they managed to do it. The overjoyed Elf Kingdom had invest a true fortune to make this series of Chainmail commonplace but then, they discovoered a small problem with it… This Chainmail’s defensive ability was inferior to robes!!!

Chainmail was normally made by solid metal bent together to provide a reliable defensive ability. But, the ‘Song of Harmony’ hollow metal pins broke the instant it touched anything, resulting in a total 0 defence against metal weapons whatsoever.

Sometime, rolling around to avoid arrows could already end up in the chainmail scattering all around the ground. Afterwards, they were forced to spend several hours to put it back together and wear it thick-skinned, pretending as though everything was still okay. After all, the poor soldiers were unable to compensate that chainmail which had four 0s on its price tag.

Naturally as the court performed an investigation on the design and attempted to improve on it, they quickly realized, that it was precisely because it was so hollow enough, that magic power was able to flow through the spellcaster, yet for it to remain hollow to such an extent, there was no need to think about how to increase its defensive power. If it was thick enough, it would be the same problem as with other metal defensive gears so this line of thought was contradictory, thus it was impossible to be improved.

That Kingdom’s treasury had been totally spent on purchasing the expensive metal and the country was destroyed not long after by an Undead Calamity. Since then the ‘Song of Harmony’ became a symbol of the Elf equipment’s luxurious and unpractical design…

To tell the truth, I didn’t really know to deal with those precious metals still left in my storeroom, over-working it and the enchantment already in place made it impossible to work on them any further. In the end, I had thrown it to those Elf blacksmiths for them to struggle over the creation of such an art piece.

For this reason the Elves’ creations were unwelcomed in the underground world. Still they proved to be very popular among the nobles of human kingdoms. Without a doubt the best-selling weapons of underground cities would be forever the Gray Dwarves’.

Of course, the Elves would never admit it. They preferred to pretend that it was the slander of those with a short life span. “We had sufficient time to master it to perfection. You are just jealous of our artistic ability. You dumb and short-sighted objects, you all are more suited to use the Dwarves’ ugly burnt metal sticks.”

The gigantic female Elf sculpture was also like this. Someone seemed to think that it was supposed to be a sculpture of their Goddess Lorci or some material required for a magic ritual, but even if the system hadn’t told me directly that it was ‘Statue of a Sculptor’s Dream Stripper’, I could have roughly guessed that it was the result of the Elf’s artistic talent acting up.

Hanging on the wall of the cliff, a sculpture 100-meter tall that required a Floating Spell to reach, incredibly beautiful, attracting countless gazes but in the end, it was just a sculpture.

If it was done by a human craftsman, it would probably require at least a 400-man army to work together for 5 to 6 years. But if it was an Elf, it could very well be some great artist’s sudden inspiration causing him to spend a few hundred years here to do something meaningless.

For an Elf whose lifespan reached on average a millenium, they would have the time to waste but humans didn’t have such leisure…

The conclusion of the competition on patience with Lorci’s Archbishop and Goddaughter Kajah had been reached. After I consecutively caused the third Matriarch’s Envoy to take their leave, she also decisively left me a letter, inviting me to Vance’s Elf District for negotiations.

At this moment, Elisa, who was behind me, by using the reason that we were about to conduct secret negotiations, so it was inappropriate for us to interact too much with the local business, managed to convince Annie to give up that sword… Un, art piece.

“Lord Annie, please prioritize official matters. For simple tasks like purchasing and such, you can leave it to servants like us.” Her tone, as usual, was filled with venom but ever since Annie realized that she was unable to beat her in an argument, of course part of the reason was that she was also unable to defeat this big sister in a fight, she began to learn to ignore the malice in the other party’s words.

But looking at this situation, I started to frown. Annie was our appointed City Lord and Elisa might very well become our future Head of Internal Affairs Bureau or the Head of the Supreme Court of some kind of other high official. If they were unable to get along, or even became enemies, it might cause big trouble for Sulfur Mountain City in the future.

“Even though Elisa can maintain basic respect towards everyone, how come she has such great resentment towards Annie… Looks like I have to look for an opportunity to talk to her about this.”

Suddenly, the Elf Guards in front of us made room and following that, a tall Dark Elf Priestess walked out from the shadow. Behind her, there were many proud female Dark Elves dressed extravagantly…

There was a total of 72 Dark Elf cities in the underground world, but it looked like more than 20 Matriarchs of the First Family came here. If we were to ignore those who would be unable to make it in time due to being too far, there was at least half of the Spider Queen’s Lorci Priestesses here. Were they trying to showcase their might now?

Of course they were showcasing their might. The Matriarchs here, in their own underground cities, their authority and importance wouldn’t be any inferior to Sulfur Mountain City’s City Lord. Now that they were standing quietly in a line by the side like subordinates, it made Kajah’s own authority seem more apparent and indubitably, it was a silent way of pressuring us.

“Mortal, you must learn to be humble. You can sit together with my subordinates.”

But I smiled.

The Emperor would never compare his own authority with his farmers. A true authoritative winner didn’t need too much adornment. To stage such a show, it only proved that she was unconfident. She was worried about Sulfur Mountain City’s strength and even feared it, so she wanted to find something able to suppress this new rising power.

Hehe, looks like the show I staged for the entry of this city was quite effective.

That day, when we had entered the city, 17 of the Roland series giant robots walked arrogantly towards the city.

After being stopped, we sent forward one of the robots and bashed the two Black Dragons that were guarding the gate into pulp. In the chaotic battle, we even ‘accidentally’ destroyed the city’s metal alloy gates, showcasing the powerful strength and the sturdy material of the gigantic robot.

After the incident, I made Annie announce that these were the machinery that Sulfur Mountain City was going to auction off, causing an even bigger ripple.

This was much more useful than any advertisement or bragging. Everyone would start thinking ‘They are even willing to split with this kind of war machine that can defeat a dragon independently. Does this mean that Sulfur Mountain City still has some kind of ace up their sleeves…?’

Of course, this was just me making a fake impression. At this moment, I could’t help but remember the report of Roren a while ago.

“Lord, the preparations for Roland No.3 to No.18 have been finished. If the one controlling it is a Gold-rank Warrior, it should be able to display a battle strength of half a Legend.”

At that moment, I was quite surprised. After all, the image of Roland No.2’s powerful charges were still on my mind, that kind of powerful battle strength could easily suppress Legend-ranks. Even though it might not reach the stage of a World Saint, but it shouldn’t be too far off. Now that these robots were only half a Legend, it felt like the result were a little unsatisfactory.

But very quickly, I understood what was going on from the explanations.

“Roland No.2 was a prototype! A prototype, no matter what price we had pay, no matter how many expensive and precious metal we would use, we had to prove that our design concept was correct. Back then, over a hundred engineers brought their private stashes, a master even infused the Titan’s Heart that was passed down from his ancestors, thus allowing Roland No.2 to have such might. If we wish for other Rolands to have the same amount of battle power, I’m afraid that even if our engineers were able to do it, you would be unable to pay the bills.”

Very quickly, I got proof that no matter what type of engineer-made robot it was, ultimately it needed an energy source, an exoskeleton armor, an engine and a transmission device. The Titan’s Heart was a heart-shaped jewel that was formed after a Titan’s death. It contained the highest quality power of electricity and was also the highest quality energy source.

After all, this world was fair. A Legend-rank and above battle power could not be replicated so easily. Even if I were to make an extremely strong exoskeleton, without a top-notch energy source, it was impossible to create an even more powerful battle tool.

In reality, in this bizarre world where fossil fuels just came into play not too long ago, yet rockets were still flying around, a superior energy source could only be obtained normally by hunting powerful magic beasts and luck still played an important part. A powerful energy source that could provide sufficient kinetic energy was the core for engineering to show its true potential.

Talking about this, I couln’t help but remember a similar experience that I went through.

In the past, didn’t I play around with the system’s Lottery? That time, I managed to obtain an Equipment that was able to surpass any other God Equipment — A mystical gadget called Small Light that came from the pouch of a blue cat of a certain world!

At that moment, I was overjoyed. I thought that the Lottery was finally operating properly, for once, giving me a top-class equipment that I could truly use. But afterwards, I realized that I had been tricked again, that my joy was premature, that I underestimated the bottom limit of the system’s shamelessness…

The Small Light was real, but… There wasn’t ANY BATTERY inside!!

Looking through the manual of the Small Light that I was unable to use, I begged the system to trade me a battery… However, that bastard system didn’t intend to possibly let me grasp ahold of this God Equipment that could overturn cause and effect, so how was it possible for it to allow me to trade.

After continuously drawing the Lottery with the battery as my goal, I only managed to obtain the Take-copter flying machine which also lacked batteries, a toy pistol of a certain eye cowboy and also a random bathtub that filled itself with hot water. I finally understood the system’s persistence on playing pranks, thus I decided to rely on myself.

Afterwards, after confirming that in engineering, there was no such thing as a small-scale energy source (battery), I squeezed out my brain juice and collected countless chemistry books. Only then did I realize that going by Eich continent’s technology level, to make something like battery, the first thing that had to be solved was the liquid required for electrolysis, conductors for electricity and a passing through a few more bottlenecks. Also, after solving these problems, we still had to tackle the problem of creating a whole string of technical problems. By the time we could manage to get everything required on the tree of technology, a conservative estimate was around 200 to 300 years later, and this was assuming that it would be a smooth journey full of miracles. I had no choice but to give up on the idea of causing an industrial revolution in the Eich continents.

Cough, looks like I went too far. Back to the topic.

Even though Roland No.2 was very powerful, assuming it hadn’t blown up yet, but No.3 and the machines afterwards could only reach the power of half a Legend. Thus, I immediately changed my plan.

All of the Roland system would use No.2 as its blueprint, not a single little difference was allowed. Even the number written behind the Rolands were wiped clean, so that other people couldn’t tell the difference between them.

The next step of the plan was easy. After staging a show of Roland No.2 ‘heroically fighting the evil dragons’, the Rolands behind became the most effective threat… To tell the truth, I feel very awkward every time this name was called but I was unable convince them about changing the name.

In the eyes of those who were aware, it was an existence of a robot army lead by one that could crush Legend-ranks and 16 half Legends. It may be scary to normal city lords, after all normal underground city lords usually were only around a Legend-rank, but to the Underground Autarchs who had 3 figure numbers of underground cities under their control, what could it count as? Still after staging that show, in the eyes of those who were unaware, they represented 17 Saint-rank war machines. Even Underground Autarchs had to be careful against such power.

After declaring that there would be an auction, the whole underground was shocked by Sulfur Mountain City’s backing, to be able to casually sell 16 Saint-ranks. At the same time, I am able to earn quite a bit. At least, I would be able to get back my material fee and manpower cost.

If both parties weren’t on the same starting line, then what was the point of negotiating an alliance? No matter how we were to negotiate, it would end up with the weaker one getting eaten up and merged in…

The effect that I spent all my effort scheming for had finally been achieved. The daughter of the true God Lorci, the High Leader of all of the Dark Elves in name, Kajah, making her force known was sufficient to prove everything.

“You must be Wumianzhe. May the Spider Queen’s footsteps resound in your ears. Perhaps, we should talk. You and me, privately, secretly.”

Kajah’s voice had some kind of special magic to it, as though a lover that was whispering sweet nothings, as though a sacred Priestess that was preaching. Somehow, it made one unconsciously want to continue listening on.

However, after listening to her words and warm welcome, all of the Matriarchs behind her burst into laughter.

In the Dark Elf’s bizarre and straightforward views on love, this seemingly warm welcome was actually equal to ‘hey, let’s go get a room’, that kind of rude and crude message.

‘May the Spider Queen’s footsteps resound in your ears’ was also naturally, not some good words. It may seem like she was asking for the Goddess she served to bless you, but in reality, it was a vicious curse. Lorci was the Goddess of Spiders and spiders did not have footsteps. When she was intentionally stomping her foot for you to hear, it was only to warn you of her arrival, or maybe, it meant that she was going to get rid of you, or that she wanted to see your ugly state while pitifully struggling for life.

How many years had it been? Elves still like to play this game of adding in sarcasm and curses into their greetings. If you were unable to detect it, they would mock your lack of knowledge, the short lifespan of your race and your lack of experience.

However, this trick was useless on me. In the long life that I had lived through, I had witnessed a couple of Elf Kingdoms, which each had a history spanning over 10000 years destroyed, and their countless precious manuals became my private collection. What did this kind of sarcastic joke count as?

“Respected Madam Kajah, I thank you for your greetings. May the Spider Queen’s eight eyes always stay on you. I pray that the envoy of the candlelight descends beside you.”

These were also not some pleasant words. The Spider Queen Lorci was vicious, cunning, skeptical, fickle-minded, jealous (actually, as her reputation was really bad, you could almost add in any negative adjectives behind here) and it was well-known throughout the world, so how could her gaze staying on you be anything good? As for the ‘Envoy of the candlelight’? It just refered to Yochlol. Those evil creatures were Lorci’s envoys. After they descended, it was definitely together with tasks involving a whole string of scheming and trouble… and you might not even be rewarded for completing them. However if you failed in achieving them satisfactorily, you could go and meet Lorci immediately. Un, that is with your soul, leaving your physical body behind… For the Matriarchs, these kinds of superiors were better off avoided.

My blessings could be considered a disaster to a normal person, but to a Priestess of Lorci, being highly regarded by those above her was supposed to be a good thing… So, Kajah was unable to retort.

Yet the Kajah who had just lost this verbal battle simply smiled lightly.

“As expected of the great saint who single-handedly created the Power of Law. Your knowledge and wisdom is worthy of our respect. Let us just abandon the minutiae and discuss the topics that we’ve been focused on.”

Saying that, she stretched out her hand, allowing me to kiss it.

But afterwards, Kajah’s outstretched hand was left hanging in midair. That was because I solemnly took a step back, allowing Annie behind me to come forward.

“Nice to meet you. I am Annie, Annie Layde. Sulfur Mountain City’s next City Lord. Uncle Wumianzhe says that I should be the one talking to you.”

With a pleasant smile, Annie greeted Kajah and grabs the other party’s hand, shaking it with force.

In this instant, Kajah whose body was shaking non-stop from the handshake stared at me baffled. To the Dark Elves who viewed usurping power and position as a natural instinct, she had neglected this ‘puppet little city lord’ form the very start. She was unable to understand why, despite having advantages in all aspects, did I allow Annie to come forward to represent Sulfur Mountain City.

I, who stayed at the back, solemnly watched everything in front of me. No one would believe me, if I admitted that I didn’t have much confidence in Annie being able to negotiate anything decent. After all, I only told her to go ahead and negotiate, but I didn’t reveal anything to her.

“I can’t accompany you for your whole life. This was training and a test… Good luck, Little Annie.”

“Hmph! Lord, you sure have planned out everything so lovingly. As expected of a fiancé, your attitude is totally different. But, little Annie doesn’t seem to be a necrophile. Do you need me to prepare for you your 999th heartbroken consolation party?”

“Stop spreading rumours! Someone may believe it! Also, it isn’t the 999th time, it was only the 46th! It hasn’t even reached 3 figures…”

“Master, I find it appropriate to remind you that the hearing of those long-eared Elves is excellent. Proclaiming your lovelorn records so loudly, all of the Matriarchs here can hear it. It seems that some of them are even staring at your lower body. From their looks, it seems that they intend to try a new flavor, the thousand-year virgin chicken. Maybe, after the incident, I should prepare a red packet for your congratulation. But…”

Saying this, she propped up her glasses as the edges of her mouth curled up, revealing a seemingly sympathetic yet mocking gaze…

The meaning of her words was clear. ‘You fellow with only bones, you still dare to dream about getting a woman?’

“I… I don’t want any red packets!! I wish to revive!!!” After saying these words, a certain someone ran away crying.

“So, if you had a physical body, you would be willing to be eaten up by these old women who could be old enough to be your great great grandmother? How filthy.” A certain maid took the opportunity to deal out a final blow…

1. A pun, could be read as Spring Chicken in Chinese but separately, is read as Virgin Chicken